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I wasn't sure where this should go. I did think that it should be held up as an example of non-science. So until that part of the website is up and running, I might as well put it under humour.

Whaling as Science

As a scientist I have often wondered about the scientific merits of whaling. I had a quick butchers (what an unfortunate term to use!) on the interweb to find out just what sort of research is being done. Funny, couldn't find any. Perhaps the research is confidential, the world over has science work commissioned by businesses, who have confidentiality clauses to stop rivals getting hold of this valuable information.

A lot has been said of Japanese whaling and its claim of being a scientific endeavour. I am beginning to think that Japanese whalers, sorry, marine biologists have actually done what scientists the world over have been trying to do - and that is to get the public involved in their scientific work, and more than that, happily contribute funds. Admirably, these marine biologists have a nation eating their discarded experimental bits and pieces, and paying for the privilege too.

Perhaps New Zealand scientists should take a leaf out of their book - sell a few Kiwi burgers as a fund raising exercise. Because of their rareness, no one will expect them to come cheap and people will pay top dollar. The scientists will then have the funds to grow heaps of them. With a much bigger Kiwi population, there will be plenty of animals to study! - surely a win - win situation. Of course if Kiwi doesn't taste nice, we can always add it to school dinners in the hope that students will develop a taste that will last into adulthood.

So what sort of experiments do the Japanese marine biologists do?

Taste: First of all, they had to find out which tasted better - whale meat in brine, oil, or soy sauce. Then there was the packaging - shrink wrapped or tinned. The big success was going upmarket with the introduction of a special delicacy - 'bite sized' whale meat, which naturally come from dolphins.

How to kill a whale: What's the best way to kill a whale? It seems after much effort on their part, sticking it with a harpoon just cannot be beaten. This backs up what scientists keep finding out all the time, that the old methods are usually well founded in good science. Of course other methods were scientifically investigated and discarded. Diving at it head first by a karate expert failed abysmally until a lot of weight was used, ie using old kamikaze planes. These experiments were stopped because either the plane did not explode, and the whale plus a few tons of metal sank to the bottom. Or the explosion scattered the whale meat all over the place, requiring the development of a very expensive 'sieve' boat to collect the pieces.

Whale Song: Many years ago I heard the "Hitch-hiker's guide to the galaxy", and I always wondered what a "surprised looking sperm whale" actually looked like. I wonder if it was translated into Japanese, and then, do their marine biologists ask the same question and also study whale expressions and songs. Is there a difference between an "oh what a beautiful morning" whale face and tune and an "aaaagghh, there's a @#$%% great piece of metal sticking in my back. Come to think of it, is there a spectrum of whale song mirroring the humans' tuneful variations. Is there a whale equivalent of country and western? Actually, flippancy aside, Japanese marine biologists do study whale song, but only to determine how far away the whale is and in what direction!

Am I being too hard on Whalers?

Now being a scientist, maybe I'm being too hard on the Japanese marine biologists. It could very well be that they are not fully aware of the sort of research they are doing, effectively being misguided by their employers. As far as they are concerned they are doing a very valid scientific investigation on a mysterious illness that is killing the world's whales.

One of the deckhands calls out to a shipboard marine biologist "Oi! Ludwig (names changed to protect the guilty) we've just found another dead whale" ("snigger snigger"). It is amazing how much delight non-scientists take in pulling the wool (or in this case blubber) over the eyes of dedicated scientists. "Jolly good" said Ludwig, "just the very thing I'm looking for. Oh! Goodness gracious me it died of the same cause as all the others - metal poisoning. Look!, a great big metal thing sticking out of a puncture wound".

After much investigation, they come to the conclusion that it is a broken off bowspit. The whales have been hit so hard that the tip of the bowspit appears to have exploded. Of course with the success of Kiwi Sailors, the finger gets pointed at the Kiwi ocean going boats. "There must be loads of Kiwi sailors running about the oceans missing the odd bowspit, and not noticing it's gone! Amazing" says Ludwig.

e-mail eio © 2006, Daryl Crosby
Last Update Jun 2006